Busy!

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Its Friday, but I need it to be last Wednesday. I am so far behind in my work that I should be panicking but strangely I am not. (maybe that’s even more a sign I should panic!!!) I have an un-movable deadline of Tuesday next week to finish a commission and show it to the buyer. I am an artist. The picture will still be too wet to move but I have to at least show it, so time being very tight, this is going to be a very brief post. The picture on the left isn’t mine of course, it was painted by Tamara De Lempicka who’s work I admire.

Life this week has been full of people chasing me for money. The money is thankfully there in my account but for some reason my bank has denied the direct debits I set up in the new year to go through. I haven’t had time to go and sort it out yet because of this project so I have had instead been interrupted with phone calls which go like this; Hello? Yes I am Helen, yes I can confirm my address and  post code, my Mother’s middle name, my account number, my blood group, DNA tissue samples, etc. Then I explain I don’t exactly know why the money has not gone through (call me cynical but I don’t think they believed me?) and so a credit card payment  later and all is quiet for a day. Then the next day the phone rings again and by now I can guess what the call is about.  I thought the idea of all this Direct Debit marlarky was to save me time and inconvenience!
Never mind…..deep breath…….breath in with the hate……..out with the love!

N   E   W   S
Well my post ‘New Introductions’ didn’t quite work as I had anticipated in one way, but on another level it has been a lovely surprise. My stats have increased by an extra thirty to thirty-five visits a day and I have just met some lovely new friends. Some I am corresponding via e-mail, two I have added to my blogroll and there are two more who I am going to add next week. I am keeping up with all your blogs and I have left comments on some but as I have already said this week is mad busy so I’ll be back to a more normal level of correspondence next week OK? Till then I hope you all have a really great weekend, let me know what your up to?

Helen xx

New introductions

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I got up to Bristol friday night and Saturday I took Mum shopping (boy that was slow going) pay some bills (even slower) and generally check on her recovery, final analysis?….she’s getting better, slooooowly!  However she’s Eighty and had a really nasty fall so she is entitled to be a little slow moving.  I also love her to pieces so that wasn’t any problem.  I did manage to escape for an hour or so with my laptop to the local coffee shop and catch up with work, mail, blog etc. The people in the coffee shop and those walking by were fascinating to watch and listen to. I love people watching I find it a never-ending source of curiosity, or am I just hopelessly nosey? Anyhow I left Mum feeling good about her health and that she has enough food and stuff to keep her going until she feels she can go out by herself. The drive home was boring and tiring and I am now feeling the pressure of work piling up and not getting done. but I try to process my priorities as best as circumstances allow and then release myself from worrying about the rest.  Its going to be a busy week  so I may not be able to post again until Friday, we’ll see.

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Thank you to everyone who shared their first time out stories in my last post. It was really great to read them all. Please feel free to continue to share if you would like to add something else that post.

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New Introductions
While reading the comments from my last post and following the various links from it, I met two new blog authors;  Sophie and Jenny . You may (or may not) already know them from your own time in blogosphere. Tina and I have previously wondered about how many transgender people there are on wordpress or blogger who never get the chance to meet one another because there just  isn’t enough hours in the day to keep up our own blogs let alone search new ones.  I wondered how you feel about trying to come up with some way of introducing our respective friends to each another.For example on Tina’s blog there is one person I do not know, Fran. In future if Tina writes a comment on my blog she might compare her blogroll with mine and choose Fran to introduce me to? It  might work like this; (For example – This could be tagged on the end of Tina’s comment to my blog) Helen, I notice you don’t have Fran (link name to blog) on your blogroll, (or follower list) Fran is a friend of mine and she is on a diet too?  you might like to meet? - Tina x
This is only an idea and if you have an easier or better idea I would love to try it. I do appreciate that there may be some who may have enough friends already and feel guilty that you can’t keep up with them let alone meet new ones. I do understand this. I also appreciate you could just hit your way down everyone’s blog list but this takes time and may not be as fruitful as someone who knows your personality, faith, humour, similar interests, geographic location etc, and can then make an instant informed choice on your behalf. I am open to make more friends, I know Tina has said the same on her blog and so has others  so I wondered even if you wouldn’t want me to do this for you would you consider doing it for me? let me know what you think? Please feel free to introduce me to anyone you feel I might enjoy meeting.
Thank so much
Helen x

Wonderful women

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Yes!  what a week!
You probably know I came home from Bristol last Sunday tired, aching, stressed and emotional. I began this week very heavy-hearted indeed,I think that’s why I didn’t take care of myself ‘grooming-wise’ as I normally do. I had a mountain of work in front of me and all kinds of  ’stuff’  (I really wanted to say ‘crap’)  to sort out including a broken dishwasher.  However writing my blog and hearing back from you all has really made the world of difference to my spirits and I need to tell you all that. I’m off to Bristol again later to look after Mum until Sunday night but at least this time I will have my laptop with me.

Having had a glorious hot bath and  blunted a brand new triple blade razor!   Slept and got back to eating healthy food I feel normal again. Back in November last year when I began to blog, the first words I used in my first post  I described it as moving into a brand  new home. This week catching up with you, sharing our comments, smiling, sighing, crying have indeed felt like I had come back to a space full of warmth, support and love – it really is feeling like a home now and you are all my most welcome extended family. You are all in my eyes truly wonderful women!

The weather outside is… hey! I’m English!… its genetic…we have to talk about the weather. Well it’s sunny and mildly warm considering last week it was freezing snow and hail. Our garden is sodden but surviving. It’s lovely to see the birds eating voraciously from their feeders. Cornwall is a balmy place weather wise, I went outside to get a breath of air and feel the sun on my face and I noticed some bulbs were already just peaking up through the beds around the pond. I wanted to say ‘are you nuts!! But that’s Cornwall.

N   E   W   S 

I was replying to Tina in one of my comments from my last post and said how I have been inspired to lose more weight in order that one day I might take my first step out in public as Helen. I have been so inspired by your stories that I hope one day to follow in your footsteps. Anyhow, I noticed that Crossdresserheaven is very interested in hearing of the first time you ventured out in public as ‘the real you’. If you feel others would be moved and inspired from reading your stories then you might like to share them here via this link. I do appreciate it is broadly a crossdresser site and some may feel you do not relate to this description and I totally understand this, please don’t get me wrong. But (and don’t say it’s a big butt…..Pleeeaase! ) I hope I am right in feeling  there something universal about the longing to be accepted, respected and affirmed as a woman. I know I am on a journey of self discovery every day and I struggle with some of the labels which are used to explain where my complex, vulnerable, searching little soul resides. All my life I have struggled to fit fully into any box (and that’s not because of my weight! thank you very much!!! ) So now  I am open to look and share with anyone who is on a similar journey regardless of labels. If you feel the same, maybe someone’s life out there might be touched through hearing from you! What do you think?

Catching up!

J  O  U  R  N  A  L
I decided to cheer myself last night and designed a new header for my blog. It’s great therapy to stop thinking and worrying. I phoned Mum last night and she is feeling better from the flu but can’t really get around very easily as the bruises from her fall are  fully out now.  Her left side is apparently black, blue and purple (I had curtains the same in the seventies!) and she’s very sore and a bit confused which is not like her as she is usually sharp and her memory excellent. I’ll see her on Friday night and will take care of her over the weekend.

All the time I was in Bristol I had no time for myself and was craving to get home and soak in a hot bath and shave everywhere (well almost everywhere) It’s been so long since I let my legs, underarms and chest hair grow that it feels really strange like a bristling layer of dirt I want to scrape away. Ironically and against all my best plans I still haven’t time to properly pamper myself. I’m amazed!  I have made ring fenced an hour this evening at 6:00pm when yours truly will run a very hot bath prepared with Radox ‘well-being’ Green tea infusion and jasmine. I will take a large brandy and (diet) coke with ice, a good book, then when I’m suitably calm and mellow I’ll take a fresh triple blade razor and hack away at my legs, chest, and armpits. Sounds like the plot for a horror B- movie doesn’t it?

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I am also catching up on all your blogs too but haven’t got round to everyone yet. I will and will comment as soon as time allows. I have missed you all. I did notice on dear Calie’s blog that she cites a someone who has compiled a  ’Rating of 100 Transgender blogs’ you can link to see it either from Calie’s blog (well worth a visit as it’s a lovely blog) or link from this; http://sugarandslugs.wordpress.com/2010/01/11/100-t-blogs/

I know my humble little blog has only been in existence for three months and perhaps there is some confusion to whether I fit into the transgender end of the spectrum or serious crossdresser spectrum, (not helped I admit by my blog header’s including both descriptions from time to time) But I couldn’t help wonder what the criteria was and why I wasn’t even 99th or 101st! Is my blog not been running long enough? Too mundane? Not serious enough r.e. personal issues or gender politics? Just interested that’s all. I am grateful to the list as it provides more great blogs to discover (not that I can spare anymore time) and it was lovely to see most of my friends there too! Way to go girls!

It’s nice to be back writing and connecting with you all again, thanks for your support everyone, truly I am so grateful.
Hugs x

 

What a week!

I got home Sunday afternoon and haven’t really stopped to gather my thoughts together to even begin to put a proper post together. However I have missed writing and sharing more than I would have imagined especially in the midst of all that was going on last week.

My Mum is slowly recovering. She had a bout of  flu which I was not aware of and she was struggling on with it (as her generation were brought up to do, that is, not make a fuss and soldier on)  for the same reason I guess rather than call someone  for help, she got on a step ladder to change a bulb in her kitchen. She couldn’t do it but kept trying and finally got dizzy and fell. She hit her hed hard on the floor and was unconscious for some time until a neighbour called on her and then contacted the landlord who then phoned an ambulance. That’s about the time I got a phone call too. It was a really stressful journey to get up to Bristol the weather was always threatening to snow at any second and make things even more difficult. When I got to the hospital and found Mum she looked like she was already dead. Her face was so pale and sunken and she looked so still it was not an easy sight to see as the last time I saw her in early December she looked so happy and well. I don’t really want to talk about the rest now, if I start I don’t know if I could stop. I’m carrying a lot of stuff inside and don’t know if I’m ready to let it all out just yet. There feels like there is still so much to sort out. Mum’s fall was not thankfully medically serious however the flu, her age and her fall have knocked her for six. She is a long way from being well but I think with care she should make a full recovery. I’m still processing it all. I haven’t slept properly since the day I last posted here. Although being back home is helping. I fell asleep on the couch yesterday evening and didn’t wake up until 11:15pm. I have to go back to Bristol this Friday afternoon but hopefully I can get back again on Sunday night late because I have to get back to work. I can’t extend that deadline any further and I need this commission.

I just wanted to say thank you so much to all of your kind comments, Wether it’s because I’m so tired or just emotions are still running a bit high, I opened my blog on Sunday read your comments and I’m not too proud to say I cried. Thank you for being there, for waiting, for extending your care to me when I know on one level we don’t really know each other but perhaps on another more significant level we know more of each other than we realise sometimes.

I’ll write again tomorrow.

Thank you all,

Helen x

Not sure what to put!

Just got a call, my Mum has been taken into hospital. I dont know everything about it just yet, I have to pack some bags get the car sorted and leave right away. Bit of shock just now to be honest. I may not be able to update my blog for a few days but I will as soon as I can.

I’d better go.
Love to you for now

Helen

Back to work!

Journal – January 3rd: Looking back over Christmas & New Year

I’m still struggling to come to terms with the fact I can’t dress and make up everyday as I did all over Christmas. My wife went back to work today and although I’m self employed I also have to start work later too. I have a major project to finish and one small commission to finish before the end of February. My heart isn’t in it yet. I think I’m still sulking! 

New year’s eve was fun, but like so much of my life for secret reasons no-one else except you my wife would know. During the late afternoon and evening I wore a beautiful black dress. It was quite low cut, shaped to flatter my bust and waist and just long enough to cover my knees. (the dress on the right in this pic) My wife had got me some ‘magic pants’ for Christmas, There basically an elastic waistband with short leggings designed to shape the waist and flatten the tummy. (as in pic)

It was wearing these together that convinced me to seriously diet in the new year. It was the first time I have looked at myself in front of a full length mirror and believed I had the potential for a half decent female figure, if…IF! I could just cut down my weight. My wife also agreed and said she kept catching me out of the corner of her eye and had to double take that it was really me. We were due to go to a party at 10:00pm so this was our own party in our house before hand. I couldn’t have gone to the party ‘dressed’ it would have been too big a bombshell for everyone!

However I did really wonder what it would be like? How I would cope? How convincing would I be to others? Would I just lose my nerve after a few minutes and run to the car hiding my face in embarrassment and fear?

As a result I was a bit deflated when we got to the party but I tried to get beyond it and by the end of the evening I had a good time. We welcomed in the new year with champagne, Auld lang syne, kisses, fireworks and my secret new resolution. Size twelve… here I come.

News – Lady GaGa’s New Double CD ; Fame Monster
Lovin’ my Christmas present. This CD hasn’t left my ‘most recently  played’  ipod setting since I uploaded it. I really love her creativity in both music and fashion. Check it out at her website which also has a special video of the single release;
‘bad Romance’

http://www.ladygaga.com/badromance/defaultdb.aspx/Fame Monster

I hope you are all managing to cope with returning to work and the normal routines of responsibility.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year 2010!

Well Christmas was great! I have quite a lot of news and  topics I want to share with you all over the next few weeks so I intend to post quite regularly so please come by as often as you can. May I also encourage you to use the star rating bar at the bottom of my posts?  I know both TinaCortina and I would really appreciate it if you help us with this simple feedback, thanks.
Ok….New Year!… and New idea’s… I’m going to continue to keep my posts relatively short so you can drop by often and it doesn’t take too much of your time to visit and comment. As most of you know I have only been blogging just under three months and I never realised how much time you can spend keeping up with friends posts and discovering new blogs.  It’s a wonderful pastime but Wow! It can suck away hours of time into an unknown internet vortex! So with this in mind here below will be the new format for my post’s for next while until I find another or better way to share. I hope you will find it more accessible and enjoyable.

 Journal – Helen starts the year happy but hiding again

As anticipated I had nearly two weeks of dressing and living completely as ‘Helen.’ My nails grew the longest they have ever been and I loved being able to see them painted in pinks,  pearl cherry and bright sherry and the feel of them clicking on the keys of my keyboard. Unfortunately new year means going out and meeting people again so… two days ago, I had to cut them back. I hated doing it and was really miserable up for a while. I also got so comfortable wearing a bra and my breast forms that the first day I had to go back to being fully ‘drab man’ it was a mixture of relaxation at not having to keep checking my hair, makeup or stockings etc, but also real remorse, I missed their comforting feel and their movement that without them I felt literally very flat indeed. I’ll share more about Christmas next time but Today Jan 1^st finds me with un shaved chest and legs for about three days now. While I feel happy in that I have has the most wonderful holiday, as I type this I also feel very tired and deflated. It’s going to be days before I can dress again and I go back to work and in public having to checking my cuticles that they don’t show any remnants of polish, my ankles don’t show my smooth legs, my eyes have no trace of pencil and try not to dwell on the negative of this aspect of my dual life. It’s a new year and I’m determined to make it a positive one.

News – Anyone want to Diet with me?

I am not usually one for new year’s resolutions….but…..I was losing weight quite steadily in October and November about two pounds a week. Early December it stabilized and Christmas well what do you think? One of my biggest hopes is to get down to a size 12 before the end of the year. I weighed in this morning at a shocking ‘These scales are broken! They have to be! Tell me they are wrong please?’
but no! 14 stone ( 196lbs) is my present weight, Yuk!

I want to lose 2 stone (28lbs) and I wondered if anyone else wanted to lose weight with me to encourage, motivate and support each other? Let me know if you would like to join me and we can take it from there.

 

 

 Reflection /Discussion - ‘when it’s time to go’

One topic which comes up time and time again on transgender blogs is the subject of relationships with partners, wives or family and the struggle for acceptance and understanding.  Unfortunately for too many there comes a point of no return. Helen Boyd is asking for feedback to the question ‘when is it time to go?’  You might find this of particular interest and might have thoughts or experiences you might like to contribute on her blog.  In future hope to use this section of my blog to ask similar questions and invite you to offer your thoughts and views on other Transgender news or topics.
I hope you all have a really happy new year
and I wish you all the very best for 2010.
Helen  x

New Post Coming On Jan 1st

Hi Everyone!

I have deliberatley taken Christmas off as a holiday from almost EVERYTHING! I have kept up a bit with reading posts and left one or two comments but in the main I have been enjoying the holidays.

I am officially back to blogging again on January 1st and will kick off with a brand new post.

Until then Please know I have been thinking about you and can’t wait to catch up with you and hear all your Christmas news too.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!
Hugs, Kisses, Auld lang syne sung loudly off key and in yer ear!
(hey! I’m a giver, what can I say!)
Helen xxx

Merry Christmas

 Having just spent the last two days writing out my Christmas cards I thought I would post one here for my friends, before we all get so caught up with the next few days.

I hope you all have a very happy Christmas, enjoy the festivities, I hope you all enjoy time off from your regular duties and responsibilities and have fun and know joy!

As you have no doubt seen the new Radio Times is now out and so tomorrow morning I can really start to enjoy my Christmas for all the reasons I posted in my previous  ‘TV Christmas’ post.

Merry Christmas Everyone!